i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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