I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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