If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
