You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
