so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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