mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
