All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
