I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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