don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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