that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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