The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
