You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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