i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
