she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
