just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I AM VODKA MAN
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
