I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
