someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
