The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
this must be what syphilis tastes like
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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