be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
