i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Ketchup is God's man juice
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
