my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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