Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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