A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She has the best kind of daddy issues
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
