I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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