I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You made out with two different species that night
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
