Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
