you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
