He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
