I can tuck mytits in my pants
the condom got lost in my hair
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
it's like iHOP with fire
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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