Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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