I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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