The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
