you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
