I checked into jail on foursquare
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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