I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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