I think I won the penis lottery.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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