After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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