Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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