I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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