If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
