i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
