This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
