Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
