Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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