My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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