Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
