Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
