guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
