I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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