She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
