I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
